Starlock’s Journal: Log-002

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...Reading back on my first entry already to look it over, and I’m already feeling embarrassed over it, and thinking how sooo... conceited and arrogant it sounds, uuuuhg... I feel... Ill? I think it’s ill that i’m feeling, that I’m admitting to actually wanting to aim to gain such a thing...

Good leaders don’t purposefully aim for the positions they end up in, it’s thrown into their laps haphazardly, and told their responsible now, and left without any instructions... Maybe I’m being too idealistic about it, but I’ve never read, or heard a story about someone that aimed to be a leader, and turned out to be a decent person... I should... Just focus on trying to help who I can.

But here we go, second entry in this thing, I guess the first proper one then... Been feeling heavy anxiety this solar-cycle, why? Well.. Started thinking maybe I’m being too bossy... Dunno what brought this on, but I should likely reign it in, if I really am, before I hurt someone or get in trouble, or both, it’s normally both.

Maybe also have been too hard on Prowl? too angry?... Naah.. well maybe a little.... Justifiably so, but... I guess I’ll.. need to let it go sooner or later else I’ll probably just get in more trouble... I guess I should also explain  WHY  I’m angry at him... Been needing to write this down anyway.. sort out what happened, maybe find some peace, and be able to move on, so...

What Happened on Clemency.
At the current date I'm writing this, it had been the last time I visited Clemency, most was quite, boring even, we were almost done loading up the crashed cache... I'd been reading my technological studies book in an attempt to learn to maybe be able to help in repairing our defenses in the territories we had securid...Cosmos alerted us that Shockwave was approaching, and the whole place went on alert... Shockwave had approached Prowl, wanting to speak peacefully with him, which Prowl decide to hear out. (Which in my opinion wasn't bad, I've normally been for non violent approaches to solve things.)

I came to the exit, in a attempt to keep an eye on Prowl, ensure he'd not be shot in the back, because Decepticon's don't normally travel alone, and he didn't, Cosmos told us about Vortex and Soundwave hiding, not far away... Anyway, Prowl and Shockwave; they'd started talking, originally taking jabs at each other's intelligence, (Honestly even when they started talking proper they kept insulting each other in passive ways)  Shockwave had started with how he had a "proposition" for Prowl if he was honestly worried about our homeworld, "restore our civilization to what it once was." as he'd put it, through science and innovation.... He claimed that he had made a way to terraform planets to be like Cyberton, (Only in more science based terms) and that Clemency was a perfect opportunity.

Shockwave continued that Clemency could be sacrificed to re-create Cybertron, with a device he'd made, saying that by making a second Cybertron, it would fix the lack of resources and habitation, which.. Was wrong, because it wouldn't, it would of just become ANOTHER place to fight over, another place that would just be destroyed by this war, plus by all logic, and reason that sort of plan wasn't bound in reality at all! Sure, it was a nice thought, but... He had likely never actually tested on a planet wide scale, so what tests he had done where likely not proportionate and proper to a planet of any size. (Which was pretty obvious) and... It wasn't fair to the natives of Clemency; It just felt so ungodly wrong. (I'd spoken to one of the natives when I came to help in the rescue of Hammerstrike... Told them we were just here to get out friend and leave... That's all... I feel like such a horrible liar to them, and I.. I can't even apologize to them now..) Prowl told Shockwave to prove it...

I hate myself..  I hate myself so damn much  because I hesitated to say anything at first, it took Cosmos speaking up for me to even be able to START saying how this was wrong, and not a plan based in reality... This is when we started getting into an argument over the Autobot commlink, which Sky Lynx heard, unforntally during our bickering, Shockwave had pulled this injector from his subspace, which had this..tank? full bright purple colored liquid, and he shot it at a small cliff side, (Might been too small to be considered a cliff actually.. ) the rocks had made a hissing sound, the rocks inverted, bubbled, and then turned into this zolanium looking metal. (Much to Cosmos and I's horror) By that point, over the commlink, Cosmos and I had... At least gotten Prowl to order an attack on the Decepticons there, despite being outnumbered...Prowl had told me to shut my voice synth though...

That didn't go over well, I remember shouting at Prowl, once he ordered us to attack, both on the commlink and on the field: "I will never shut up about doing what's right."

My opening shot, knocked Shockwave flat on his aft, literally. (Well it was his back, but it still counts.) I'm not sure if my shot had actually done that much damage but he was acting mortally wounded, and instantly retreated into a foggy area, which wasn't weird, at the time; and left us facing down Soundwave and Vortex, It got weird and suspicious when Prowl then ordered autobot forces (Cosmos and I) to hold the Decepticons off while he got the payload off the planet and out of the system. (This was made weirder by the fact that I, and I think Cosmos, had picked up previously that Prowl was now just saying things to make us feel better, and not giving it his all, like normal, in the fight..) He then took off in the pod, I didn't see which way he went, I was busy in battle, my second shot had sent Vortex spinning... All I know is, is that Prowl left after Shockwave had retreated. (Something me and Cosmos later didn't correct him about, when he was lecturing us in his office about disobeying orders)

Cosmos then told me he was going after Prowl, which, I consented to, even encouraged him to do what he thought was right, and that I knew what I was doing, after all, Cosmos said himself, something about all of this wasn't right... I was then alone, I knew I was not going to make it out of that fight awake, alive, or free... But when I had fired that opening shot, I was already ready to give my all, and my life to protect the inhabitants and their planet...

It was honestly the first time in all my life, that I didn't doubt my decision, no voice telling me all the things that could go wrong, just that I knew what I was doing was right...My Mind and spark, working as one.. It was.. honestly the best thing I've ever felt.. and I thought I'd regret it later, but even as I write this, while in total despair... I don't regret what I tried to do, or what I did.

I don't know what Cosmos saw while he was following Prowl, after all, I was now alone at the crash sight, facing down Soundwave and Vortex, and I was taking a fair amount of damage... Soundwave had commented how I'd.. become more sure of the path I was following, which I clearly remember responding with: "I'm not going to die a coward and let others suffer for what we've done to our planet!"

This spawned an... interesting, verbal combat we were having while in actual combat, he'd said that Cybertronians were superior life forms, and that we took precedence, which was a bunch of slag. (At this point Vortex retreated, and it was just me and Soundwave, I'm still unsure why he did, but I can only assume it was to go after Prowl) Before I answered him though, I sent out a S.O.S over the autobot commlink. (Even got a response from Ratchet, saying if I died he'd drag me back from death to offline me himself, which I of course responded sassly that I looked forward to it.. Honestly, I did think I was going to die, so it was very comforting to hear his voice one last time..) Then I called Soundwave on his slag, pointing out that, that wasn't true, given how we treat the beast-formers like garbage, how the Empties in the deadend are suffering, and all of those labeled as disposable. (Those are not traits of "superior life forms" in my opinion.)

I swear to primus, I saw Soundwave heistate, no, he DID hesitate, he was stammering, he didn't sound sure of himself as he tried to say it was different, but I think he was realizing that it honestly wasn't.. Hadn't it not been for Buzzsaw, I think.. I think I would of gotten through to him, I was so close, I was so damn close to making him realize that... That this wasn't right.. I could of...

...There's no point in thinking of what "could of" been, as close as I was... But yes, Buzzsaw, we didn't know he'd been there at all, only became aware of him as he tore right into my spark chamber, and I was losing consciousness fast.. But my brain module hasn't let me forgotten what he stated as I laid there, probably dying... I wish I could forget it, as It's why he kept me alive, to spread and cause discord and distrust: ''"Do me a favor, scream loud enough for your friends to hear...and don't forget to tell your...rescuers how the Autobots betrayed you this cycle." --Buzzsaw.''

I don't know what happened after, or how I got off the planet, just that I was dropped in front of Cosmos and Prowl, and I awoke in the mebay to Ratchet repairing my spark casing, I think I was then sedated, and then later awoke again to Ratchet, Hot Rod, Pharma and Juris... Juris was talking to Pharma about Greymatter... I then brought up the reports to find out what had happened to Clemency only to find the sad truth...

Shockwave had gotten a hold of the payload, tried to terraform clemency, and failed. (No slag, I knew that was going to happen.)

...As far as I'm aware, all of the natives have died...

I failed...

Instead of one to save hundreds, one survived where hundreds died...

I broke my word to that cyborg...

I.. I can't.. I should of been the one to die where they didn't have to...

They didn't deserve that... I should be the one that is dead....

I wish I was dead...

...It becomes harder, and harder each day to continue on... Having to hold all this in, and keep it to myself, out of wanting everything to stay stable... It's only gotten worse by the fact Buzzsaw taunted me with a video over and over, at Ibex, showing what happened... (I'd snuck out to help Blurr with Ibex, I'd told him I'd be there, and I was going to make good on it, despite being only repaired for a Solar-cycle from Clemency) I have it saved, but I've showed no one, like i've told no one Buzzsaw's message above.

I have no one to talk to.. I wish I had someone to talk to... Sure I told a few people what happened. (Sky Lynx, because he asked, and I respect him, plus I was making sure to cover Cosmos... Ratchet because he's.. important to me, and needed to know, Hot Rod because there was no way I'd be able to keep it from him, and... Siegebreaker.. I.. had a break down in the rec room.. I know, and trust that none of these people will spread this though.) but I've had no one to really talk to about it... I can't.. even tell Rung about it, so all I can do is sit here with my Datapad in silence, typing into a void no one will ever see...

...I'd started this log thinking I was being to hard on Prowl, even wanting to forgive him, but everytime I run through what happened... and being able to read through what happened... I just...Something just screams wrong, specially with how he treated Cosmos and I after... I can work with him, but I don't think I'll ever fully trust him after this...

Course... There is the matter of I can't even confront Prowl about it, (Just turn into a slag show of "You believe decepticons over me?" which is slag, cause I'd just want him to explain what happened and understand how it is being presented to me...) that and knowing I can't.. do anything to correct this... There is no way to correct this, and words? Words are meaningless, and actions speak so much louder than words... But no words, or actions will bring all those lives back... Others have told me it wasn't my fault, but I've always seen it as my fault, or partly my fault.. After all, I was the one that failed, so I do shoulder at least some of the blame, even if Prowl officially threw it all on me and Cosmos... (He didn't even remember Shockwave had 'retreated' before he left in the pod.. Cosmos and I where to fearful to correct him though, out of worry he'd catch on we knew something was up.)

...This is who, and what I'm dying for.... and I sometimes wonder how easy it would be to just.. Disappear.

...Only reason I don't, is because I still have a few other reasons to keep living, and moving forward.

...I can only hope the dead forgive me.

I probably just sound stupid, preachy, and trying to shift the blame onto others, and find reasons to be angry... I should go recharge.

After all.. The matter is done and over with... Not like anything is going to change.