Starlock's Journal: Log-004

''Log-003. << Previous | ??? | Next >> Log-005.''

'' ((Ooc: Please note that this is a private journal, and unless you've actually gotten a hold of her journal ICly, please don't assume you know this information))

''

..... It's been some Orbital Cycles since I last made an entree in this thing.. Perhaps I should of... I've had a lot on my mind that I've been wanting to write down, and sort out.. Sad to say this current break down I'm having after orbital cycles of not having one is what has made me start... So, I guess I'll start with my current thoughts.

Why Did I Have Yo Fall In Love Again?
Currently as I sit here, I'm stupidly sobbing my optics out, because gods fragging damnit, I just had to go and be a weak willed moron, and fall for someone again, this time someone I doubt will ever acknowledgment my existence, smelt I'm pretty sure their afraid of me. Why, Why did this have to happen?!

I don't want these feelings!

I don't want to get hurt again.

I thought my stupid spark had learned.

I don't WANT to be in love with someone who's likely going to fragging DIE because their in the infantry division.

I don't WANT to be in love with someone during a fragging war!

....The worst part in all of this, is that I've had feelings for them since I met them... And I just.. pretended I didn't recognize them, and ignored them, and hopped these feelings would fade away, just.. die off, like the others have! but this time, this one wont! and I don't know what to do about them! I can't just fragging go up to him and tell him this, will scare him right the frag off and... And I don't.. want to damage the friendship I've been trying to build with them... And I want to know them as a them, not this.. stupid idolized vision my stupid brain module keeps making up.

Why did this have to happen?...

I don't want this...

...And yet, even without these feelings, I'd still shatter the stars above, set the sky ablaze, and tear this world apart if anything ever happened to them...

Those Whom I Couldn't Save
...Being a Medic, and a Doctor, it's common place for us to lose patients, on and off the battlefield, we're often told, and taught how to grieve, and emotionally distance ourselves to be able to do our work, that we can't get close to our patients, and taught that we can't save them all, sure it doesn't stop us from trying but.. It's there, and for good reason, as those death's do weigh heavily on us, if we were not taught such, we wouldn't be able to do this job, and likely have a lot more suicides in our numbers from those that just.. Couldn't keep up with the horrors we see everyday.

But like I said... Those deaths still weigh heavily on us, I've seen nurses, doctors, surgeons and psychiatrists break down sobbing in break room of the hospital after we've fought so hard to save someone, only for us to lose them... It's not pretty.... And unfortunately, It's been my turn for sometime... I've lost a number of Meches on both the field and in the Repairbay these past Orbital cycles, the one that finally got me was on the field...

Epitaph, he wasn't a soldier, or a medic even, he was Deltaran's mortician, a civilian, someone not made or retrofitted for war.... He was murdered by Rosy (Gallo's barmaid, her real name is Quartz) after something struck her in the back of the neck.. (At least that's what it looked like, watching the video over) ... Both Blurr, Glyph, and even Blades have told me, it wasn't me fault, and there wasn't anything I could of done... But I honestly had I gotten in front of him, or plowed us both out of the way, he'd been alive, maybe had I been faster I could of stopped the bleeding, and saved him... But I didn't.. And Juris was also severely injured as I was trying to save him and almost didn't live too..I couldn't even give his corps a proper.. Uuuhg.

....What Jazz and Ratchet said over the medical radio channel didn't help ether... What was I supposed to do, nothing?! Just WATCH as Rosy went to kill Epitaph?! I couldn't just... Ahg... Maybe I shouldn't of been there alone, yes, but I'm positive that all could of been so much worse, I hate saying that too, as I wish I could have saved Epitaph, and spared Juris some of her injures, but with everything considered, the Cons that surrounded us, to the fight, to me focusing on trying to save Epitaph and Juris...

I hate this.. I hate that I'm crying again all over to many things at once, I wish I could just stop feeling my emotions as strongly as I do! It's so damn stupid, I'm getting worked over the stupidest and smallest of scrap! Hell I also wish I could stop being so fragging empathetic that... This.. has gotten a bit off topic..

I hate that I am even angry about that Radio conversation, as their just.. Doing their Jobs... I knew I was going to get in trouble the second they saw what was in the report, what was in the video, and I'm positive seeing the video made them worried, I think... And I understand their reasoning, and cannot fault them, it's why I was truthful about everything in my report, and even gave the video to begin with, I greatly respect them, and want them to know I trust and respect them, and...I don't want to betray that trust. or lose that respect, even if it means getting in trouble, because I have conflicting morals and views... So I don't understand why I am upset.

I hate that I couldn't save Epitaph...

I hate that I can't express my thoughts properly.

I hate that I don't know what to do anymore...

I hate how lonely I feel right now..

Smaller Things
Whirl stated that.. some of my opinions and beliefs sound very "Prime" like which was.. embarrassing.. (Flattering, but embarrassing) Yes, he inspires me, but so does Ratchet, Sky Lynx, smelt even First aid and Jazz.... But.. I don't think they really understood where I was coming from.. Fairly I didn't explain myself very well, my wording was all over the place and was being picked apart. (I guess I should work on how I phrase things more... even with people I am comfortable with.)

So... I'll state them here for myself:

Yes, I have ideals, opinions, and morals that are a bit unrealistic to explain, but I do look at them with a lens of realism.

I know I cannot save everyone.

I know there will be casualties and collateral damage.

I know not everyone can be changed by just talking to them.

I know that change isn't done overnight, and it's long, painful road, nor is it easy.

I know not everyone is GOING to change or WANT to change.

I am not a fragging idiot.

Yes, smelt happens, we can't idiot proof everything 100% nor fix everything that's happened, people are dead and disfigured by what was done in the past, and current day, and we shouldn't pretend that it can be, nor just act like that smelt didn't happened, or that.. That it should just be thought of as acceptable!

....I'm ranting angrily at this point, it's been sometime since I got like this, specially with the feelings I have, and feeling like I'm trapped in my own skull, unable to communicate to anyone, because when I do it comes out in a different language, backwards, and encoded.

I should go recharge, that will make my brain-node shut up... I'll likely feel better after such, and not go get blacked-out over charged again, least not without someone there but.. recharge, I need to be responsible, now that I've typed myself ragged... I need to focus on Nightlash once I wake, she's repaired and her new drone is synced, just need to deal with that stupid transmission.

I need to keep moving forward.