Starlock's Journal: Log-001

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((Ooc: Please note that this is a private journal, and unless you've actually gotten a hold of her journal ICly, please don't assume you know this information)) ''

Right, so, it's been suggested to me, for therapy reasons, (And the fact I have trouble remembering things) that keeping a journal can help me sort out my thoughts, and get a understanding of how events around me have happened around me.. However, I’ve spent a good number of cycles, trying to figure out how to start this dumb thing… But after talking with Siegebreaker, I think I’ve just decided to start typing and work from there, I know I’m going to need to do a lot of re-organizing cause of how scattered and tagenty I can get.

I want this first entry to be the first thing I see, and to come back to, too remind myself of what I’m aiming for, and sure my opinions and stances on some things will likely change over time, but this would be a good start to help me begin again, and start sorting through things, hopefully, if I ever feel like I’m lost.. That, or you know, I never look at this again, so.. ehh, hopefully that doesn’t happen.

What I am aiming for...
I ask myself this alot, what am I aiming for? What is keeping me here, instead of going off into space with others, to wait out this war. It likely would be a whole lot more fun and less stressful then participating in this mess of a war, that my actions in, may, and likely will, come back to damn me in some, or more ways than another... Especially the ones pinned on me, that are not my own.

I came into this wanting to help save lives, heal the injured, and perhaps bring peace to this planet I call home, despite the city I used to call home, laying in ruin... But lately, I've been finding myself wanting to correct wrong doings I see, not just stand idly anymore as they pass by, thinking someone else will handle it...

I find myself wanting to be... More, as someone people can rely on to do the right thing, be there to help, in one way, or another, like for guidance, and, or, just.. Let them know their doing the right thing... At one point, I'd thought of this as a way to explain it:

"'I want to be the one they look to for hope'"

But that sounds as stupid as it looks, and reads... It's naive, unrealistic and... Just too... flowery.

Eventually though, I did come to the realization that I've been trying to become a leader, or leadery type, something I back then, and I now, still can't really believe, I've never seen myself as the leader type, let alone the capable leader type... Then again, back then I didn't see myself as anything, and others just saw me as a emotionless shell they thought they could shape for their own desires.

Yet here I am, taking steps, and listening to criticism to try and improve myself to be the better leader, one people deserve...

Though in it all, I've been having alot of anxieties about it, because that kind of role comes with power, and power should be used to protect others. but more often than not, it is abused by those who are seeking power for their own purposes, be it to further their own goals, which isn't inherently bad, but when it starts hurting people around them, is when it becomes a problem; becoming a big ol' game of "Watch your back" because you don't know who's going to try and stab you in it, and your unforntally made to hold one of the knives.

I guess to sum it up in one sentence? Power can corrupt, and I do not want to become such, I don't want to become someone that can go unquestioned, or can't be questioned. It will be very hard to make sure I don't become that, as I am already pretty stubborn; so I have to hold tightly onto my modesty, my want to see others learn, an grow, and keep remembering that my kindness is not a weakness, but also my choice, as it is not an easy path, and by primus, it doesn't always work, hardly ever does! But... It's because it's right.

That is another thing that comes with the job, doing what's right, even if it sometimes means I'll have to do things, people will think are wrong, in order to achieve such... But life is rarely black and white, it's mostly all grey,  I'll have to be careful to step over the line, and over simplify situations, and only do what I can, and even if I think something is plainly right, not everyone will, and that is okay, their allowed to have that opinion, after all I will never be able to make everyone happy, and that is something that generally is true of life in general, but ever more so here, as I'll end up coming face-to-face with harsh criticism, even flat out hatred disguised as such in a attempt to get at me... and I really shouldn't try to appease everyone, even if it's all going to hurt, and challenge me to not compromise my morals.

...On that note, while talking with Swivel the other Solar-cycle, after we'd defended Nyon's ruins, we ended up talking about the matter of killing, and hurting others.. Something I really don't like doing, and I rather let them live, as it's braver to let your enemies live another day, to learn another way. ...learn another way that doesn't involve violence and death... But I've also come to realize this isn't something that can be totally avoided.. Like it or not, I'll have to take a life if I am to defend and protect others, specially my patients... I just.. will need to save more people then I kill.. or pretend that one day the blood stains will dry...

I guess that is another thing...I'm not a nice person... Even though I put on the act of being one... I'm angry, bitter, stubborn, vindictive, emotionally impulsive, I know how to manipulate people... I sometimes honestly wonder if I'm a "good" person... But being a good person, doesn't make someone a good leader, nor does being a good leader, make someone a good person... Megatron is a good example of a good leader, but he's a HORRIBLE person.

..I think, that's everything, I hope.. But before I finish off this log, I want to leave a few things people have said to me, that have inspired me, and helped me figure out where I am going, and who I am am, and or becoming, even if I still don't believe it:

"'Please don't lose that hope. Not everyone will listen right now or straight-away, but eventually...it will be needed. Especially when we need to rebuild.' --Sky Lynx" 

"'I don't know how you can forget yourself, It sounds like you know who you are really well - and what you want to be.' --Siegebreaker" 

"'...Perhaps it is to remind you to never stop reaching for them. I would think reaching for stars is... a good, general goal? ' --🍷"